Forgiveness & Self Love♡ It's Easter

i have little idea where to begin. but i suppose the best place is here. right in this moment. The past couple of days have turned my insides into my unsuspecting outer world. I am not certain where the answers lay or solutions are to be found, and so I go to the place that place that is comfortable. Safe? I am not sure, but comfortable.

There are moments when, I... am sad. Maybe angry. I'm not entirely sure anymore, sometimes  it feels the same.

At whom? About what? you might ask. The truth is and I see it now so clearly, the world; a world that seems so unforgiving. A world that has tied me up and holds me hostage to my own inner being. As I struggle to understand, to see; as I struggle to make sense of it all in an unjust world. What am I sad about? Who am I angry with? It does seem like many, because merely one is too many. But then I ask myself what is at the core of the sadness? Judgment. Simple. And I am so tired of being sad. I am so tired of being judged. Yet here I sit feeling so very alone. Why? because the next step is to trust again. And that just doesn't feel very safe or seem easy.

This sadness, which is wanting to be unleashed rages within me like a fire-breathing dragon or the poisonous venom of a snake, uncontrolled and unstoppable.

The biggest powdery for me at this time is 'do I deserve another chance?' followed up with, 'how do I begin?' The past cannot be changed, only repeated; over and over and over again, until finally we choose to walk in a whole new direction; shedding the skin that was, leaving behind was was, and moving forward committed to my goals, visions, hopes and dreams.

I have done my very best to justify my thoughts, actions, reactions, and decisions, each and every one, and finally see a small bit of light that leads its way back to me. I am responsible; only I am at fault. Only I can change the sadness.  What I do know is that when I have felt wronged or judged, manipulated or bullied, I retreat, back down, deep inside myself.

The questions that I ask myself are this; does this make me a 'bad' person? I am truly this bad person portrayed? Why am I not allowed to feel or acknowledge these feelings? and How does one turn back the hands of time?

I do know who I feel most sadness about?  The first, actually, are 2 people that one would think, hope, believe that I could trust. One is deceased. both, as I see it, are cowards. Cowards because this could have all been different, it could have been discussed, acknowledged, and the healing process could have begun at that time.  They chose, instead to hide behind their words, choices, and actions.  As much as this made me angry when it all began, I was surprised that I was not angry this time around. It has been a long time seeing the writing on the wall. What made me angry is the manner in which they twist and manipulate situations, all to create a confusion and almost a distrust in oneself.  As I moved past this, I moved towards... the sadness. What made me sad is that they would actually made that decision to do this to another person.

But that is just where they are in their journey. Perhaps it was a part of my journey. I do know that it must be. the lesson. the gift. the experience.

The other individual that I am most sad about, and it's funny, because it's less about the person than it was about the experience. I will, quite often, choose to help someone to find their way to living the life that they want to move towards, and with this person, I did. I did so without asking for anything in return, although she often offered, of which I happily accepted. I am very grateful to her for what she did offer, in any way that she knew how.  But then a few 'things' happened. There was even an incident that quite frightened me. I still do not know how it happened, but it did.  As I see it now, it was the Universe telling me that I needed to move from this 'friendship.' I honestly don't feel that I did anything that was hurtful or horrible to her, but perhaps to her, it was different. I do know that at the time, I was going through a whole lot, just as she was. There was little acknowledgement on her side as to any of what I was experiencing.

In the end, what bothers me most, is how she has run me down, with little regard for where she is now and how far she has come. She sees none of this. And that makes me sad. I just couldn't keep going the way that is was. I knew it. But it has changed that way that I am. It was draining me of so much of what was inside me.

As I gave thought to her, I recall her best friend saying to her, "just wait until she (me) finds out what you are really like and who you really are!" I had no idea what that meant at the time, and to be honest, I still don't. She isn't a 'bad' person, in any way shape or form, but I do feel that she was so often lead by ego. Interesting thing on that, over a year ago, I read her cards, and I did, in fact read this. I so tried each time that we got together to see through and past this, but it can't always be done when it begins to drain me. And I allow for it. And yet, maybe now, she has on her own learned also. And THIS would be wonderful. A celebration that she allowed herself to heal. That, would make me happy. Still, I am saddened that she chose to talk, to tell stories, her side of course, when I, not once, did the same.

But that is just where she is in their journey. Perhaps, also, it was a part of my journey. I do know that it must be. the lesson. the gift. the experience.

So. So, I must move forward. And with that, today, most gratefully, signifies a day of Self-Love. A day of reflection; knowing and understanding that I must love myself, whole and complete, to be love, and to give love♡ inside and outside of all the mistakes and lessons along my journey.

I don't completely know how to be.. and that will be the biggest challenge. Weighing my sadness, my understanding & forgiveness.

I do know that my self love is opens just an endless supply of love, and, is, unconditional. It is only unconditional as I learn deeply, that we all make mistakes. All of us. I do know that when someone lashes out, it's because they cannot fully love themselves, even if they truly believe that they do. What 'they' say... is more about them than me.  I see this, I know this, I live this... mostly always. I have learned to let them say what they want, to whom they want, always sending the energy back to them, with love and healing♡ 

Learning to completely forgive myself, for all that came before today, opens another door. To the greatest♡ and deepest♡ love. That is the love of the Divine, the Creator, God.

So today, I seek forgiveness. I forgive myself first♡ in doing so, I can in turn forgive them, perhaps slowly. I

can be compassionate, and understanding♡

Here's the thing. Easter is about forgiveness♡ and family♡ it's about finding that place where only love exists. Knowing that the first place to forgive is within oneself♡ So for me, in this Easter season, this, is, this is the place where peace & remembrance is found♡ I will watch as the sun sets, and as it does so, the water will shimmer and mirrors its incredible and calming colours ♡ grateful for all that surrounds me, all who truly love me♡ and every single person who holds a special place deep within my heart... and there are many♡ No more sadness. No more anger. 

the Water Fairy ~ Day 37

A deeply emotional day ♡ today♡ 

I chose a card today to assist me. It's debriefing day. Three days after the event, so I am a little behind in schedule. That's okay, I had to take care of what needed to be taken care of to get to here. 

I so very much love the reading conferences; there is just so much to be learned. There is also much to be shared and taught; but my word would be, allowed. And with that, Spirit sends his message; "Ask Spirit to show you what is next in your life." I will indeed do that♡ "know that creative intelligence is the key today, to uncovering sacred interconnections with all things. Your mental growth will assist your spiritual growth. Be conscious, though, as the energy centers of the head may become activated due to the increase of new spiritual knowledge." This, I feel is being activated with my new hypno~meditations & synchronizations. (Namaste Sheri♡) 

I am very aware at this time that the people who have been brought into my life, of late, were brought to me to assist me from moving from here, onward, to there; forward. Of this I am confident and excited; perhaps, though, a little intensity creeps up... which is when the feelings and emotions come into the arena♡ I have had some experiences with people coming into my life that have served a different purpose, and that, on a conscious level, I have allow to be my struggle. Gratefully, I am back to Be-ing and Allow-ing; trusting once again in Spirit, the messages, and my intuition♡ 

 

'the Water Fairy swims up to you with her liquid magic, reminding you that emotions and feelings may be running the show. Before getting caught up in the something, anything, flying off the handle, or running scared, she asks you to consider how you really feel about things♡ and then, the why♡ One of life's greatest awareness; You are not your feelings; You are the one experiencing them. 

Water is such a great reminder, perhaps for me it just makes sense as I was born under a water sign. When you sit and watch water you can see so clearly; that as water flows, and it always does, it resembles our emotions; and reminds us to allow for our emotions to flow and to change. Be fluid and willing at times to compromise, allowing change. 

Which brings me to another important message that I have embraced and shared more than a few times this

past weekend. Compromise. Compromise isn't about what you are willing to give up, it's about knowing what you are willing to give up and what values that you will not. Are you willing to compromise your integrity? What are you willing to let go of, knowing the important core values for you. It's different for everybody.

But back to the fairy. Today is about Being♡and Allowing for All, each and every emotion, acknowledging and then allowing to flow onward; perhaps allowing to be blessed and healed. If I am happy right now, to enjoy each moment of that. To sit with the feeling, the emotion; to feel the love swirls around me. Change. If something is making me sad, to allow the tears to flow, and to then dry. The power of my emotional awareness is the key to my happiness today, and for me, with an awareness of my values... and with that, I will respect the Water Fairy's presence and love. 

May you allow peace, love, sadness, excitedness, fright, pain, and happiness to all BE... always then coming back... to the love... within and the messages from Spirit♡

Silence~ Day 36

Now is the time to come home... to yourself♡ The understandings  and insights that come to you in these moments will be manifested later on♡

Time to be still & quiet. The energy of the whole has taken the empty spaces in my body, my heart, my lungs, my arms, legs, all of it, and the silence penetrates within. Today is for me to understand the significance of this place♡ as a grand and mystical space. 

Each day brings a new beginning, time is ever changing, the world around me goes on changing, but the silence remains the same is my breath♡ the breath of life. To be silent the meets the depths of the Universe. 

I can be silent today, knowing that for some, it disturbs them. This is something that I have learned. Less and less people appreciate the stillness, the quiet, the serene; the wisdom within. I can and will move past this, seeking out and being with those who resonate within their own silence. 

Last weekend, I wrote about going to a movie with Rachel and how I literally felt the movie within me, deep within  my bones. I felt as if I have been living the same day over and over and over again, for too long. It's time to push out from this space. But it is not through shouting, screaming, or acting out; it's touching that magical place within, where true guidance lives. 

For today I must determine my happiness, not by talking or sharing, but rather by become still, learning and discovering how to make use of all of the power within my heart. The Happiness today is within a new beginnings, bringing forth great expectations. A powerful day.  Seeking and finding that the knowledge, strength, and inspiration is mine, and it is what is necessary to meet my challenges. 

Silently, taking note of synchronicities, looking towards the deep, spiritual events that are offered to me, regardless of the 'significance' of their superficial appearances. It is here, within that I will allow and render the power and beauty; the magic of my own intuitive knowing. 

Be still. Be quiet. May peace begin your day♡

The Upward Road~ Day 35

Forgiveness. it seems to be a constant theme. Defining it, Understanding it, Underestimating its value, Practicing it.  Judgment is an act that does seem to have taken on a new awareness of late. Rather than opening up to understanding it, we have put more time and effort into judging others.

Last week on a show, I watched an interview between the host and the Dalai Lama♡ that was the turning point for me. As the host presented to the Dalai Lama accusations of his many critics, he merely smiled, and even laughed heartily at the judgments; he found them to be most amusing. It didn't take long for this energy to make its way to me. Of course, my mind began to journey, forward and backward, inside and all around, thinking, discovering, and then settling into a renewed understanding. Forgiveness is about releasing. Own what is yours, understand it, learn from it, and then move on along your way. 

So as I looked back, I decided that it was time to release all that is not serving me. ALL of it. If holding onto it serves another's journey or place along their journey, then that is theirs to keep to themselves. It says more about them than it does about me. Those who are determined to get sucked into the negative, the drama, based either on their own experiences, or on the thoughts of others, they are always going to find a way to do so, as long as it serves some purpose. But for me, I can continue to smile and shine as bright as I choose to. 

My husband watched a meteor fall out of the sky in the early morning. He said that it felt a change within as it soared by. 

I knew it was now Time to Let Go. Time to forgive. Time to move forward. Forgiving myself, unconditionally and lovingly~ releasing & learning~ entering then into the light seeking forgiveness and change. Judgment & drama takes hold of our thoughts, our emotions, and our sense of self-worth & importance. I learned in this moment that it is only I who can release, heal, & forgive♡ME♡ and this Change in awareness is what will move me forward.

Forgiveness of others 'For they do not know the damage that they have done.' Find the strength in forgiveness, rather than weakness. Know that, on some level of awareness, that there was a 'contract' or 'duty' ~at a Soul Level~ to further our ability & understanding~ LoVe deeper, forgive fully; learn more than ever thought possible. About compassion and ego. 

We all do from either a 'Fear State' or 'Secure State' of LoVe.

I’ve spent many years trying to understand the feelings; the turbulent emotions of the pain that my own

mistakes have brought me and the frustration at my inability to forgive myself.  I've spent years feeling the guilt & desperation towards the pain my mistakes have brought to others. I have felt the intense fear that others would not, or could not, forgive me, for my mistakes.  I have felt the sadness, anger, and loneliness, that comes along with not being able to forgive.

Yet, I see that the only road to healing and change is to ask for forgiveness from the heart♡ pure & honest. Then let go. Their pain is their journey. Bless them, their pain, and ask Spirit to guide them to their healing♡ that is the least and most that you can do.

Today's message offers an honest appraisal; a time to understand what we have done & what others have done 'to us.' To see then with a renewed perspective♡

This is a happy day~a day of purity, insight, respect, and love... the Upward Road

rocK boTTom ~ Day 34

Rock Bottom... that's what it feels like. slip Slidding aWay. wHat I know for sure is that today I am sad. I wish that I could be happy, but I'm not. and it feels so defeating. I have spent so much time over the past couple of weeks looking back, trying to see where I made the mistakes, took the wrong turns, chosen badly, answered incorrectly, and made the decisions that just weren't willing to free me from this place. Even when I thought that they would, or could. I was always positive that it was all going to get better. and here I am. there again. back there again. 

And it is a gripping feeling. but more so terrifying. Unsure and alone. 

In doing so over the past couple of weeks, I allowed myself to go way back, way way back, until I couldn't go any further. And then I do it again. and I'd stop sooner because I know just where I am going to, all over again and again, and I truly didn't want that. again. So the question becomes, 'can we start all over? are we ever forgiven, by self and/or by others? By God? is this all there is, this one lifetime? what EXACTLY do i have to do to change the course of my life? and is there really a truer meaning to this life, my life? is it all for nothing? or something? and then what?' 

and then the heartburn sets in. the gripping, terrifying fear

It truly seems that no amount of prayer or hope is ever enough, or right, or real perhaps. In a manner, I am not even sure WHAT is real anymore. And with that, I had this conversation in my thoughts... 

I awoke today with wondering if 'Mindfulness' and the 'power of 'Now' are benefiting or confusing us. I have had so many talks with so many over the past while and it seems that we are all in the same place. And that place hurts. so very badly. It's raw and it's empty. In this moment anyhow. 

During my periods of 'being up,' happy, confident, and sure, it's wonderful and magical. until nothing really changes, or not much anyhow. or so it seems. which is how I get back to here again.  

I keep waiting for that BIG moment. the one that truly sets me free. that sends me on a continual upwards motion. not perfect. or always right. or good. but not high and low. Balanced. Temperance.    

What I've learned. On death and dying❤ We are not here for 'things.' And the world has built huge walls, beautiful castles, and incredible monuments depicting the greatness of these 'things.' We surround ourselves with things, many wants, needs, & envy, based on what, and all for what, in the end. 

But it does seem that society pushes towards and encourages this. It provides the benefits of the riches. The more that we have, the less that the mistakes matter, on judgement. What he did was okay, because he has lots, so it must mean that he has done more good than bad. We have built a society that slides on like this deserving scale. I believe that the tone of this conversation comes from with the bounds of the work 'Karma.' And with that, those who have 'less' (of anything defined by the word Abundance) feel that they are undeserving because they have 'done' something wrong or committed a heinous act of great proportions, and then strive daily to figure out what exactly this is or was. And cannot, because I just don't feel that it really exists... but yet it becomes trapped, as a tale within the confines of our minds reinforced continually by our experiences.

For me, any way that i look at it, these things that we accumulate are not even close to being as important or more precious than relationships❤ who we loved & how we loved, should be the cloak in which we adorn. But. And. I continue to ask...

❤What would love do?

And then a message touched me today from the Red-faced Muscovy Duck♡ Perhaps I was guided due to the roller coaster of emotions that I am on. 

... She touches us with her lessons in emotional comfort & protection... all the while experiencing new growth, awareness & wisdom♡ With Divine Feminine energy, she represents the astral plane; a plane of existence embraced by specialized knowledge, religion & philosophies; ones that may be known & accepted by only a few.

She is most often associated with the human emotional state; showing to me that it is within myself; that I do have the ability to glide across the water with grace, and to keep this grace, finding the peacefulness and arriving at a calm disposition. Love.  

Yet allowing myself, at any given moment able to gather my defenses in honest & truthful awareness... and to afterwards return quickly back to my original, natural state of serenity & love. This beautiful bird teaches how to handle each emotion with a greater grace and comfort; to always experience, allow, release & be, reminding mean that I have the ability to swim through the various waters of life that are encounter on a day to day basis. A reminder to not get tangled up in the debris that I sometimes feel floating all around. 

For this, I must be willing to explore how I feel, and why I feel as I do... outside of the ego. The goal  to experience a balance, that being a healthy state of emotion & mind. Balance. To know, to experience, that the dark and the difficult times are needed, Necessary, AS MUCH as the light and the easy times. 

This, is new awareness, this new vision, for me. And from this place, perhaps I am able to see that by allowing, by allowing, that I can accept. that by allowing all of life's colour to penetrate, is the movement onward and through. by allowing, we then become integrated and alive.  

And it is upwards. and onward. once again. that i will go from here. with much love in my heart. and a smile on my face. that is just who i am. 

the Road to Happy-Ness/Day 33

Maturity ♡ wholeness & a healing ♡ so many messages, filled with love and with growth; a new dawn.

I have been acutely aware lately that I am being directed to look back and to give up what I wasn't even aware that I was clinging to; a dream. This dream. Don't get me wrong, it's not to give up what I do, as this is a part of who I am. I love what I do and know this deep within my existence that it provides the balance. What has also come to light of late is that the recognition in which I am seeking is not going to make its way back to me; not how I think anyhow. It's this idea that I was holding onto. The outcome. The gift in this awareness allows me to to move me forward toward a new light; a new dream♡ through a deep healing & with love within. This glides me onward, forward, not with the light by my side, but as the light within, guiding me along my intended path. The Journey has taken a new turn as a new awareness settles in♡ Beautiful. Breathe.

Memories♡ may be near today as I look back at the good times and thoughtful moments; bringing me to a place of much needed joy and celebration. Interesting, I see now that it is this awareness that allows for the full healing. I am able to see how I am better for the many experiences that led me to here. I am aware of each moment of pain or struggle, with eyes now opened wide, where before I saw with the narrowest of vision, I am now able to discover the intricate balance of how we are all connected; how we all exist within and assist one another in our separate journeys♡ together.

Through many of my readings of late, I have been constantly reminded of our Spiritual, Soulful Journey. And I look through those eyes knowing that if am able to see through those eyes, that I am able to better understand any situation and all experiences; to then let things or people go; to bless them, and to heal; to say 'Thanks!' for putting me back on track, for nudging me to see that I was lost, even when I didn't know it. Some of the most heartfelt and painful lessons, are the ones that were necessary for our greatest strides & growth. I am suddenly acutely aware of the Universal connections & how those many connections were brought forth, by me, for me, as a gift.

To see this I had to step outside the Ego and back into the Heart♡

Maturity~ "He can move in any direction~within and without, it makes no difference as his joy and maturity cannot be diminished by externals. He has come to a time of centeredness & expansiveness ~ the white glow around the figure is his protection and his light. All of life's experiences have brought him to this time of perfection." OSHO

The other night, after a conversation with a good friend, I had a wave of reflection of the past that kept me awake most of the night. Not so much with worry, but rather, of understanding and clarity. 

I have made some really bad choices in my past. I know this. I own this. But I don't live there; in fact, I had forgotten. I have worked very hard to put the past behind and walk on solid ground. Forgiveness is within each of us and key.  And with this, I prayed for forgiveness. And released. But the question in which I kept asking myself was whether or not we can ever truly leave the past where it belongs. The answer that remained in the end, was, 'Yes.' The way back from this was a sincere understanding and acceptance of both the unity and reflection of those experiences and the people that were involved. All has led me back to here. 

"The distinction between the grasses and the blossoms is the same as between you not knowing that you are a buddha, and the moment you know that you are a buddha."

As I look backwards, as far as I am able to, and within each and every memory, I can see that I have always been there. At each moment, in each place, with a gift of that moment, of that space. Contentment. That everything that I need in this moment exists within.  It always has. 

the Movement forward is to recognize the Joy in each experience; to discover the playful, the laughter, the innocence; the opportunity to celebrate the happiness, 'like a butterfly that has emerged from its chrysalis into the promise of light.'  to then dance with delight; to see anew & fresh; with excitement. 

To live with the feeling that something wonderful is just on the horizon, because that's how it feels. To then, welcome it with open arms. 

the Road to Happy-Ness/Day 32

I have much to think about today. I am going to type out my message, think upon it and come back to it later. this, is a gift. and my allowance. my happiness.

Most of us, if not all of us, have goals. We learn that goals are 'the way' sometimes led to believe the only way. They are the destination, the reason for. If we don't set goals, then how can we attain them, right?  But what if each goal we set has never been attained? what does that mean? and where does it lead us to? can we still attain something? anything? and what about our thoughts? how can we 'make' things if we haven't 'thought' them? especially with all of our heart and soul? 

This is where I am going back to today, to find my happiness, my happy goal, my destination. My message, today, is to ponder this. Traveling. Traveling along the path, noticing the beautiful passages, landscapes and scenery that surrounds me. The message is that the pilgrimage itself is the sacred place; the journey itself is the goal. Somehow this message is taking me to a place of change and movement. Wouldn't that be nice because I am ready for change. 

The next part of the message is that it can be a physical movement, from one place to another, or an inner movement, from one way of being to another. And that whatever the case, there is a promise that the going will be easy and that it will bring both a sense of adventure and growth, but most importantly for me to know, right now, is that there is no need to struggle or plan too much. This brings with it a reminder for me to accept and embrace the new, AND, that it is within this attitude, of openness & acceptance that brings with it new friends & experiences into my life. Cool. 

Life is a continuum, always and always moving. The final destination, in this lifetime, is to move back into the space of spiritual wholeness, but our soul's journey is ever. The happiness is found in the pilgrimage, the movement, the dancing joyously, ever moving, without bothering about any destination, neither this lifetime nor the souls journey.

The question becomes, 'when you reach the destination, then what?' This  question pertains to life's journey, for when we reach the final destination, but within this journey, have lost everything, what will it have mattered?  All the hurry and all the worry has left you with no memories of achievement or happy moments.

So the goal? The goal is to just appreciate and love in each and every single moment, because, so what?

I spent time looking back last evening upon my whole life. I looked at where I achieved and where I have not achieved. I remember years ago when a friend said to me in regards to dreams coming true, "well, if you look back, can't you see where all of what you really truly wanted, came true?"

I cried. But no it hasn't. And still hasn't. That made sad at the time and I think of it often. It still does. I think now, somehow I allowed it to define me. And I forgot to stop and really see what is in front of me in each moment, and to find the happiness, the innocence, as I always had. 

So within this, I must choose to find my happiness, no matter. Not based on anyone else's achievements or version of it.  I have had much happiness within my life. I love to laugh. I love to smile. I love to bring happiness to those around me. I love to dream. I love to travel. I love to experience. and As I look back at this, I can see that when I allowed my own definitions, made me happiest.

Funny, I have never been jealous of any others who have achieved their dreams, goals and happiness. I have always found pleasure in this; something to look forward to and even base more future dreams upon.  If I had my way, everyone would be happy, for this truly is what I want most.  

Through this conversation within I learned that when we allow others to define us, based on their judgments & perspectives, both 'good' and 'bad,' then we often lose sight of who we are at our core. When we allow our own past experiences, especially the challenges, to define us, we allow them to grab hold of our destiny. Just BE you. always. ever.

So much to think about today. So much happiness to be found. To Be. Much love and happiness to all along their own personal journey. May your truth always shine brightly. 

Ohhhhh... I saw Saturn last night! So bright and beautiful.. it was truly a sight to behold. I tried to photograph it, but he just wouldn't have it. I suppose that it was meant to etch a memory in my mind. 

the Road to Happy-Ness/ Day 29

Beyond all that stuff♡ that does not matter. that really is not important. that tugs ever so gently upon your heart strings. but perhaps not. perhaps it pounds at the door ♡ awaiting to be recognized, held, answered... or just heard♡ that sits outside the edge of the ego♡ and inside the hands of happiness♡ is the truth. and the love♡

that. is what truly matters♡  On Judgement & Conditioning ♡ being bound by what we have been shown & taught rather than what the soul knows or what's in our hearts♡

Balance♡ There will always be people in your life who want to hold onto you or try to hold you back♡ there are those who it so does seem, that the cost of the friendship far outweighs the gain♡those that drive you to your edge, cross your boundaries, touch and inflame emotions♢ and those, of course, those who fail to see all you've done for them. And that is okay♡ Really♡ they are those who keep the Balance.

Understanding the Balance. the Journey. the Souls Destination. They are, in fact, here FOR YOU. To teach you. To re-direct you. To guide you to where you need to be♡ even if it's away from them.

I sit and try and make sense of it all. Sometimes I just cannot. Perhaps that's okay and it's not meant to make sense of... it's from this place today where I search for my Happiness.

What constitutes or makes up who we are? And how does this reflect on who we are supposed to be?  The 'image' of who we are, is just that, it comes not from our own direct experience, but rather from the opinions of others, rather imposed upon us. We act in a certain we, or react in a manner that we feel we should. 'Children are seen and not heard.' 'That dress makes her look dirty, cheep, fat, or sleek.'  'It's so cute when she does that.' If I look closely I can see how our personality, my personality, was imposed upon us from the outside in, replacing any individuality that should have grown within.

Yes this is extreme, but I think that this is the place where I meet the balance, where I discover my true identity.  To look into the mirror at my reflection and to break out of what all that I have been conditioned by others to believe about myself. Break-Free♡ Our personalities are shaped by our circumstances; our individuality was given to us at birth. Too often we have come to believe that safety comes in numbers, that team players are the best, that being in a crowd will feel cozy, warm, and secure, having the most friends makes us the best candidate. Perhaps this is okay for some, or even most... but I have always wanted to be my own person, not tied to any one thought, experience, circumstance or thing.

It's merely understanding this, acknowledging this, that is to be the rebel. often meaning that we are difficult to get along with.

I had a crazy dream again last night. To tell it will not do it justice, but it had to do with a nest of baby birds that was suspended in the air. I ran to grab my camera to catch the incredible sight and when I arrived back there was an eagle wanting to get to the young in the nest. I shewed the eagle away, all the while capturing the photography of the entire event. It was quite awe-inspiring. Others gathered around to see the nest, but few caught a glimpse of the eagle. I fell quickly back into a deep sleep after this dream and when I awoke I was thinking about judgment; placing judgment on others and its effects. Others placing judgement upon me and its effects.  I couldn't get it out of my mind, so I set down to try and write what I was experiencing. Here is some of it...

On Judgement~the person telling the story, is telling THEIR story. The person listening to the story, is listening to what THEY want to hear... both in relation to their own personal experiences and circumstances. neither better nor more right nor wrong than the other.

There are some who will listen, without judgement and leave the story where they heard it, understanding that what makes the story truth, doesn't really exist, at least not in the way we think. There are always many sides to any experience; no 2 people ever experience the same experience the exact same, ever. And then there are those who seem to get pleasure, gain, or reward for jumping on the back of those telling the story, and even making the story their own, often expanding on it & then making it suit their needs or agenda.  I rarely understand this, but I have been discovering more and more awareness and clarity from it each day, trying to do better, be better; to make better choices♡ That I can do on my part. It is a forever lesson, it does seem for me. And so, how does this tie in with my happiness, you might ask.  The answer is within the awareness... and the conditioning. The will to belong, to be a part of the group. Any group, it so seems in this day and age, as long as we belong somewhere... balanced with my own deep, personal, individuality. 

It's to know this each time that I make a decision that is based in someone else's experience, to perhaps make me part of the 'group,' but to see what have I lost or given up. To recognize that this is outside of my  individuality.  When we choose to learn from an experience, even when what we choose goes against what we know, creates an atmosphere of sadness within me, because then I am different, and cast outside the shadows. It often sets me apart with a sense loneliness. 

Because it's untrue. I know this deep within my heart.  Sometimes we have to risk to gain.  I looked back at what I have learned in this regard... it took me back to the lessons of my childhood...

~Awhile back while I was with the young man I work with, I acknowledged a woman along our way. He told me, quite confidently that she was not a good person, she wasn't trustworthy and mean. I asked him how he knew this. 'Because a friend of mine that she worked with told me stories about her!" "Oh, I responded, and tell me about this friend of yours, what is he like?" "Well, he said, he's kinda a troublemaker."

I then asked him what this woman had done to him personally, to which he responded that she had always been very nice to him. There was a moment of silence. He then said, "I guess maybe she's not so bad and I should give her a chance." They have become friends, but he did have to risk, to weigh the costs and find the balance. The true balance is in the heart.  

~A couple of months ago, I spend the weekend with a childhood friend. We reminisced about meeting in elementary school. She became very emotional and I wasn't sure why. Then she told me something that I had forgotten, perhaps wasn't even aware of "I was sitting in the front of the class, alone, mostly because I was poor. Nobody wanted to be my friend. You walked up to me, sat down and said, 'I'll be your friend.'" I knew no risk, at the time, I just knew that it was wrong to make such a judgment upon another, to cast anyone out. To bring pain or sadness to another just did not feel good. in my heart. how does this get lost? Where does it go? When? 

More.... 

I, in return, had a friend come to my defense in high school. I will forever be grateful to this person. My friend responded to their statement by asking, "Do you even know her, because if you did, then you would know that wasn't true!" Funny, as I think back along this road, I can recall the many who have done for me similar on my behalf. Makes me smile.

Now, I'm not perfect and have not always made the best or even good decisions, but with each choice forward, I am more and more committed to making an effort and to do so Consciously, without pre-Judgement and free from the chains that bind me through conditioning. Knowing that each step forward that choices from the heart lead us to our destiny. and happiness. no matter what that is.

Wishing you all a beautiful, joyful, thoughtful day♡ much love.

the Road to Happy~Ness Day 31

So I awoke this morning feeling like a brand new person!♡! Alive I might say, and for the first time in a very long time.

I had watched something on television this morning that reminded me of all the hopes and dreams that I once had… you know… the ones that haven’t worked yet for me.  In that moment, I realized that I still wanted those dreams♡ But it was more than that… it was the feeling. I wanted that feeling. I was happy to have that feeling once again. It does seem so much to be a part of who I am.  Happiness does feel good. Perhaps in some way I would say that it feels complete and it feels calm or serene.

Until I go to the place of how.

So, I must learn to find my Happy-Ness not in the how or when, but in only the destination and feeling.  I am curious so I continue on and then ask myself what is the word that brings that feeling of Happiness. The word is accomplishment. And I sit in this word.  Accomplishment. of my goals, dreams, ideas, of my being.  Attaining my goals♡ worthy & deserving that I am living the life of our dreams♡ …means that I have been successful. Successful that I have Accomplished what I most desire.  Successful that my hard work has paid off♡ Knowing that I have worked hard♡

I AM grateful. for all that I have learned. for all that I have. for all that I am. But I see that much of my sadness came or comes from that place of non-deserving. Awareness. Compasssion. Hope. & Glory.

And, of course, Creativity.  To see the dream, to feel it, is one thing, but to Create it, is a whole new level that I want to attain, knowing also that ‘the experience of Creativity is an entry into the mysterious.’ OSHO ‘Technique, expertise, and knowledge are just tools. The key is to abandon oneself to the energy that fuels the birth of all things.‘  To abandon myself to the energy that fuels the birth of all things♡ learning to become possessed by the creative force that drives me; trusting that each stroke leads to greater and greater beauty… to the life of my dreams.

I understand that to fuel my own creativity is to align with the Divine, one with Spirit, one with the Universe, one with all. Bringing to light the life that I so want to achieve; dreams that I want to succeed in.

So today, it’s to find MY own creativity in all that I do♡ and to do so lovingly, joyfully, and fully. If it gives me makes me feel alive, it is Spiritual, Creative, and Divine. It is Accomplished. When I saw this photo that I created awhile back I saw a person holding the butterfly in the two palms of their  hands. All the sudden, they decided to Let Go. To release the butterfly; to allow it to discover and explore.  There was a profound Healingwithin this vision. True greatness begins with our Visions within.

Healing♡ the wisdom is to know that during times of our greatest sorrows that we have the potential to bring forth the greatest transformation♡ This takes me back to yesterday. and the day before. and to last year. and then back to here, today. ‘Release the butterfly.’ Allow the Butterfly to experience the beauty and depth of his inner most desires; the air upon his wings, the sweetness from the nectar, intensity of the colors all around. This is the true power of the healing; and the ‘trance’ ~formation that I am feeling deep within today.

Today, creatively, I will explore the complexities and profundities within my mind and live to experience all that I can. I will experience all that I am. And all of the Strength that is required to Build & Create… to Be♡ One With My Dreams & Visions that come along with this.

ENLIGHTENMENT♡

Do not fear to enter into this place♡ as from this place comes Greatness♡ Compassion, kindness, forgiveness, self love, & Healing♡ Bringing up from the depths of my heart & soul… my passions, to create, and to live the life that I so desire.

the Road to Happy-Ness/ Day 30

Some days are tough; when I just cannot seem to figure 'things' out, especially the why's and how to's. 

I began my day as usual, with my prayers and alignment. It's cold out. really really cold. I finally made my way from my bed and seek to discover my gifts for today. I look out into the world, or at least what I can see of the world from right here and what strikes me most is that even though social media might appear to bring us closer together, it often seems that it drives a stake through our ability to see perspective. A certain clarity has gone AWOL. 

There is a lot of talking going on, but little listening, and the masses are listening blindly, or so it does seem. Rather than listening to our sensibility, with our hearts, and an open mind, we are choosing the easy way~ detachment. If they say it, then we don't have to be accountable, because in the end, rather than us take responsibility for our laziness, we can blame it on 'them.'  

What I think is happening is that so many are hanging onto that which is based in fear. How has society brought us to this place?  Why does it seem to be such the easier choice?  I'm just not sure as it makes such little sense to me.

Which has brought me to this place.... what do I see when I look at another? at a situation? a circumstance? Am I able to be accountable for my decisions? So I choose to look again, with a new perspective; one that is based in the heart, without ego or judgement. We really have forgotten that. Or it seems that we have. 

We have learned to pre-construct images in our minds, ones that covers the real face of the person that we are facing. Funny, we don't even know where this is based.  or Rather, sad.  All too often lately we get caught up in projecting a story that we are making up, putting our twist into the circumstance or situation, the people and what we want to see or experience. We forget to step back and really, truly see what is in front of us, what we are facing, who we are facing. I think sometimes, those around us just become objects. We forget to be fully aware and conscious; of our expectations, desires, and judgments... and then we 'push' them onto those around us. 

Is this because so many of us feel truly unheard?  Perhaps. And then we see what, of late, has gotten us heard. And the answer is not good. So I ask myself again, how did this happen and how do I push past this to find, to discover my, our, happiness. 

Projection~ a cloud that prevents us from seeing reality as it is; from starting afresh, as each situation, experience, meeting, or greeeting should be. The way out of this is to understand consciously, really understand, with an openness, and to experience life before me as a continual challenge (opportunity)... to bring life to any and all experiences. To force ourselves to feel our pre-judgment; to listen and see what the mind has already told us about the experience, and then clear that.  Poof~Gone~ To then Turn it Around. 

How much of what I see in others, in truth, belong to them? Is my vision based on a clean slate, past experiences, pre-determined decisions? Is my vision clouded by what others have told me or experiences? Why am I feeling this way? 

THAT, is the difference between fear and intuition. We have allowed fear to rule. And we know that fear is so very dysfunctional; but its to see outside of that.  Fear creeps up and halt us. It's not based on fact, at all. It's based on the past, projection, and the unknown and we so often allow it to stop us in our tracks. Because of this we forget to ask it what it wants and what we are afraid of.  We close our minds. But deep down, we do know that with an open mind, our fear will talk to us and it will tell us where it is based. We can then base our perspective, opinion, and decision on this.

Fear lacks accountability. It's become the reason, the judgement, the perspective, the purpose, and the projection.  

So many thoughts today on projection and pre-judgement, illusion, and delusion. Simplicity speaking... When you are in love, the person before you can do little wrong in your eyes. Right? Pretty much. The opposite of love, in hate is true... when you hate someone, everything about that person before you is ugly and wrong. What we forget to to look at the individuality, the circumstances or experience before us. We accept what was because it takes less effort.  

Perhaps today I am being asked to look differently at something or someone, to see things in a new light. Or perhaps I am being asked to re-look at everything. The only way to reach the truth is to be present; right here, in the immediate, in my OWN eyes, and see what lay before me.  To discover my happiness today, is to discover the truth within this statement; within my awareness, outside of the ego mind and within the sub-consciousness. As so I will spend the day doing so. I will search for the happy in all, even if the happy appears sad, to see the happy within that. 

I know that deep down I am trying to understand what I want and how to get there, all the while flogged with the unpossibility of it all.  Can I get there? Why not yet? Is it truly possible? Do I really want this? and How do I get there? Where can I see my errors? and finally... Am I allowing a projection of another to cloud what I am able to truly see?

a change is necessary to bring forth the greatest of changes ~Thunderbolt~ extreme change, a most needed change, life~changing opportunity, is before me and perhaps I have not seen it or choose not to see it. Time to open my eyes fully and see.

Just as life brought forth the change that took me to here, this place... the same can take place, in an instant, to change in a re~newed directions. I do Know this.  

A forced hand, an unexpected happening, not because I asked for it, but because I had no choice. To then look back with fresh eyes & clarity today and find that there is always a choice.  To see that I still have a choice and always will.  To see that the choice may be how did I choose to perceive, see, and experience what was before me. Each decision before me. To see then what is stopping me and what is moving me forward. Big decisions. Big choices.  And this is where the Happy is found.