Happy Thursday.
I have to be complety honest withh you all. I am in a state... and it's not the greatest, yet in a state that I have become more accoustomed to. One that seems to have begun with COVID. The Lockdown. I personoally, after this past winter, don't feel as though I have recovered. Being sick physically, which then touched my mental health. This is something that I have never experienced with my mental health. With the Moon in Scorpio (and me being a true Scop), I am being asked to introspect.... going within to discover where, and perhaps, how I got lost.
My goal for discovering my "Best Fit" in my career life just does not seem to be panning out. That would be the hypothosis..
I am going to begin with work. Why? Because it's the place that I know with every ounce of my mind, I did not have a plan for. In all honesy, I did not know that I had to. I recall thinking back and wishing that I could have been as smart or knowing as one of my good friends, Pam Clarke; knowing that she wanted to be a journalist. I have, myself, been journaling my entire life; both fiction and turth.
I have enjoyed and loved so many positions that I have both been chosen for and awarded. After all of that, up until now, my self-awareness kicks in, just as I am settling in, and then something happens to kick me out. Is it a comfortableness? The wrong position? A bad fit?
I honestly have been praised in each and every position I have worked. Yet, this last job left me dumbfounded and set me into depression, social anxiety and panic attacks. I somehow felt lost in a world that I did't fit into. Re-reading this, it wasn't me that didn't fit it. Any way I look at it, I just didn't belong due to being good and fearless at what I do. Im 63 years old. Believe me, I have done everything that I thought was humanly possible, or so I thought.
From January 1, 2025, I am only going to have Faith and Trust. In God, the Divine, that all that I came here to complete, will be accomplished.
This part of my lessons', pretty much began where I left off, in 2021. I know this, as it's when I began to write out my 'Downloads" so to speak. Mere messages that come to me that make complete sense in a world that doesn't make sense to me at all. (I will be putting together a journal of those downloads soon).
I am alone. that's okay. i chose this path last night as I was thinking about 'doing nothing in the evening.' This is most about motivation. What I have always believed is that I have something to teach the world, or masses, so to speak. Sounds Granadiose, now doesn't it. But it's not. I don't want to do it in a way that makes me famous, only in a manner in which helps others to LoVe their BEST Life.
First a story. at about the time of all of this, I truly did not want to continue to live. This DOES NOT mean that I was suicidal. There is a difference. I did not want to exist; perhaps better stated, I didn't know HOW to exist.
And now it is Saturday. My motivation is clearly at an all time low. I think perhaps its fear. Fear of so many things. And yet, I don't feel afraid, I just know that I am.
Ive seemed to have taken a step back. Am I loveable? I really, truly wonder. I can go back and just don't know what it is that I am doing to not be in a relationship. With that, I have to get to the bottom of this and find my way to a partnership that brings happiness and joy; love and support, a closeness that feels safe and right.
At this point, I am just not sure how or where to begin. I thought that I had something good. But now it only hurts as I just can figure out how it got to here. Well, actually I can. And that is exactly what I am talking about. Fear. Fear that I didn't even know was there. In my mind, I just answered my own question. I want to be chosen. Not the other way around. That, perhaps, is where the unloveable comes in. I thought that I was chosen.
Now that I have thought this through just now, I see where my mind comes into play. Making the move. I do. But what I want is to make the move to get them interested and with that, they make the move to choose me. I do understand that I am independent. Ive had to be. I was different from my family. They had many of the same or similar goals, mind differed, so I was often questioning where I fit in and often felt alone. Alone with many people around.
This has not been my adult life. It was as though, as a child I awaited something whimsicle or magical to come along and choose me. CHOOSE ME.
So with this, I am going to choose some cards and see if I can figure my days ahead out. Using my Spirit Deck of Authenticity, as well as the OSHO Meditation Deck... here goes.
Where Am I At? I am wearing a 'coat of arms' or protection of my self-worth. I just heard that my self-worth can only be defined by me, not by anyone else. Anyone who is judging, need look within their own fears. There is a master plan, the web of fate, divine inspiration, learning to understand the patterns of illusion. What can I not see. What am I avoiding. What I am not utilizing comes from the Wisdom of the Hawk. Listen to the messages within. YOU ARE GOING TO BE ALright. (I am fearful of losing my money that I worked so hard to get. I am fearful of a new job, the last one took everything out of me; especially as I believed that I was doing a great job. This can take so much. But it's jealousy. A word that I dislike. I am a visionary; I do have the gift of clear-sightedness, and I certainly receive messages from Spirit. I am also an extremely good and sensative counselor. All of which I must find the Courage to Celebrate my strengths, accomplishments, and grace. It's time. I just need to route. Perhaps that route is merely TRUST.
What is my Greatest Challenge at this time? I drew the 'Hanged Man' and what I heard is the illumination of Spirit. To trust and believe; to not push my way through the stage, to merely allow and manufacture. Im not sure what that means, yet that is what I heard. The Queen of Pentacles fell out and what I heard at that time was that I must enjoy where I am at, not again, push through. All in good time. You can sit and enjoy the reaps of rewards... they will indeed come. that is my greatest challenge, not to push. push push push. That says to me that I do not trust in myself. I do have faith in God, I just am not always certain that I deserve the rewards. I cannot seem to let go of the past. The challenge appears to be to 'Fall in Love With Myself." To love and adore myself to fall in love with me, my past, present, and future; to see myself as 'sitting pretty.' In regards to relationships, there is a huge ego issue, bonds that keep us away from one another. The Challenge is to keep the goal in mind. New beginnings are on their way with the Fool.
What will help me with the Challenge? from 2 decks I will seek assistance. Ok So from the Animal Spirit Deck, I received Butterfly Spirit (transformation is beautiful) and Cow Spirit (miracles are endless). These truly are my blocks. I am yearning to transform; to not be a loser, to be fun and exciting and see the world. Miracles are such that they are to be held onto; therefore they are endless. What will help further with this is Courage; the 2nd showing of this message. Seek the truth by doing the Shadow Work. The Sun appears striking a balance. I just realized what that balance is. The balance of being 'normal' and the balance of being 'special' when in all reality, we are all special in our own right. This I need to achieve. MOVEMENT..... Draw Inspiration into Motion. Find a way... the way... my way.
Where will this lead me to? Healing. LOVE YOUR BEST LIFE. I seem to be trying to hold everything together. It doesn't match up. LET GO. Its time to stop putting things off. That being the fighting within. FALL in LOVE with MYSELF. How can someone love me if I cannot love me. This is time to perhaps look back and have more patience with yourself, knowing right from wrong, good from bad, don't back down... see myself as unique and different. I will soon be able to live moment to moment without worrying or thinking of the next moment, just enjoying the one that I am in now. I have the opportunity to pretty much begin again. RE-invent myself and my love for me. That is the Opportunity that I am faced with. Choose me and don't allow anyone to choose for me. If someone is worried or concerned, that's on them.
I think that I will leave it at this, for now, as this is where I must begin my journey. Each day is a new opportunity to begin a again... to keep moving forward. To LOVE MY BEST LIFE. It seems as though I am waiting to go to Vancouver, as something wonderful might just happen there. Rather, I should be thinking of this moment and making the best and most of each moment in front of me.
Upon checking my email for today, this message came and hit me.... full moon thoughts for January...
* Our full moon thought for January *
Having arrived in the new year 2025, some may encounter the familiar inner dialogue or conflict between renewal and preservation, between enthusiasm and skepticism, between idea and reality. Apparently, it is in the nature of a new period that change is signaled to us, and we then have to find the appropriate or feasible measure of change for ourselves – not that easy. As we know from I Ching, one of humanity’s oldest surviving books, everything in life is transformation. Either way, we are changing, whether we actively pursue it or just let it happen. Maybe it helps to trust the flow of life more, just as we experience the constant cycle of the seasons or the pathway of the moon in the night sky. Finding trust is an art and simultaneously a capability we can reconnect with any time …
Sounds about right..... With Love and Honour, Lori-Lynn on a Journey to LIVE MY BEST LIFE
