The Reflection and the Light

The Reflection & The Light

‘I was down at the creek the other day, she began, 'and decided to sit by the water for bit. I enjoy the sound of the water gurgling by, the smell of the earth and the foliage, the sight of the coloured leaves lazily floating down in the gentle breeze. I was thinking of reflections, something I'd read about recently. I studied the water and found that in this particular part, it was turbulent, and no reflection could be seen clearly. I carried on with my observations. A flickering on a slender tree trunk caught my eye and I turned back to look at it and realized that it was directly over the turbulent area I had just looked away from. 

There was the light. Perfectly reflected onto the tree, dancing and laughing. Though I found it difficult to see that light reflected upon the rough waters, there it was nevertheless. The light could be 'seen' on the still surface. Joyful and free. Even though we may be turbulent within, the Light is always shining to us and from within us. 

Find the still, quiet surface and we can see this Light.'

One of the Key Truths that was revealed to me, "The Light loves everything it touches." This has endless Truths held within it.

Many of us are so full of pain and we have no idea what to do with it. We lash out, or within, often when we perceive someone else could possibly be happy. We think, say, and do horrible things. Within ourselves, we are living a nightmare. We see within another that they had somehow escaped. But, we're still here. And we don't know how they did it.

  

The feelings. We're just so damned angry they did. There are so many reactions. The natural mind begins the stories and gets on a roll, the I Blame YOU chorus -- oh please, you're faking it...do you think you're better than me?... Who do you think you are?...I want whatever meds you're on...OK, so you're happy, but do have to rub it in MY face?...You have so much money, you can afford to go to those retreats, buy all those books. Poor me has nothing. --- 

--And now we slip into The I Blame Myself chorus --- I am such a loser. Why can't I get what I need? Because I am stupid, or maybe cursed. Maybe it's just not meant for me to be happy. Anyway, I did read the other day that I should embrace my negativity. So hey, I can just curl up here in this place and convince myself that I am living the life I was meant to...depressed, sad, fearful, hateful, ugly and tiny. And I can justify my moaning and whining and bitching and complaining -- after all, I am one of those very sensitive and empathic people. Woe is me.

This may be a generalized interpretation of what happens in the natural mind, the lower consciousness in which most of us are currently living from, when someone reacts poorly to another's happiness. 

I see that many misinterpret and perhaps overuse the term "embrace." We allow the mind to tell us lies about what it means. There definitely needs to be more clarity given with this word. I refer to all the poor souls caught in the prison of 'this is justification for how I feel, now I can be sad, miserable and horrible with an official title -- Sensitive, Empathic, doomed to carry the woes of the world.' There are whole communities of people feeding on and putting out negative energy. This, to me, reeks of self glorification of the most twisted kind. 

Ego. The mind can and will warp everything, until we begin to realize what it is, what it is doing, and what it was meant to do. Embracing the darkness of the lower nature means something entirely different. It can barely be explained in words. And it surely is not an easy task. To observe the parts of us that are incomplete as they become known to us via the Light shining on them. To suffer them and not react to them for a period of time in which the Light loves them and transforms them and makes them whole, takes a huge amount of faith, and a lot of practice. Never ending practice. 

We Need Every Voice That is Awakening to Speak Truth

For quite some time I had been reading about 'Who I am.' "That's not Who you are," I am told. Most of us are familiar with these terms. I found myself increasingly interested in them, but also reacting with thoughts like 'Who I am??? Maybe they mean besides a Mom, a Friend, a Wife, a mental case.... I have no idea.' But beyond that I could not decipher it. "That's a crazy big Idea...maybe I'll get it some day." Yet everywhere I turned, these statements kept coming at me. It really did become frustrating.

 
One day, I was watching a video, and the guy had me mesmerized. He was teaching about the tricks, subtle manipulation and clever conniving of the base level of consciousness most of us live from at this time, and have since the dawn of time. Then he said "That's not You!" And in such a way that he smiled, and I heard the unspoken ending of his statement "Silly girl". (Big Smile) In that moment I got it. I knew what that meant. A simple rephrasing, a different form, but the same shining Truth.

 
We need Every Voice of Truth, expressing Truth in as many forms as possible, so that Truth can be understood by those who would receive it.'

THIS, is who you are. Wise. A deep wisdom within; outside and a part of, the fear, the doubt, the anger, shame, and doubt. Outside of and a part of the messages, manipulations, and untruths of others. You, deep within your consciousness, lies your truth. Once found, you are never the same. 

Many blessings, love, & light. Beautiful Sunday, A day of reflection & light <3 Namaste, Lori-Lynn

Your Life ~ Your Light ~ Conscious Choices

I love when colours pop out at me and I realize what the message is. I am aware how crazy that may sound, but it's a gift and part of my authentic awareness. Todays colour(s) are a coming together of the Solar Plexus (Yellow) and the Heart Chakra (Green). The purest message is TRUST. 

It almost, or sometimes seems as though this is a lost art, but this is because so much is lost as much of our society moves further and further away from our natural, whole, and pure energy. To begin each day clearing out the old, the thoughts that weigh us down and the limiting beliefs that we have taken on from others. Too often we just ignore our solar plexus chakra and rely on those 'gut' feelings... you know the ones that I talk about that are the result of trauma or negative experiences. These 'gut' feelings are related to our past and serve to step back and take a different viewpoint.  They were never meant to block or stop us, but to rather serve us. The key is to find the hope; to SEE that there is always hope, and to then begin the journey of forgiveness. This allows us to then make clear, conscious choices aligned with our upper chakras; the heart, throat and third eye chakras.

Trust is such a huge part of my journey at this time; which if I am being completely honest... I am ELATED that I am past the many challenges of the major arcana card of Temperance. Holy Hannah... there have been so many lessons addressed and learned. Balancing all aspects of my life has lead me on such a pathway... but not until I flayaled down the rabbit hole and hit the bottom; only to understand that I was basing so much on what is not important, to me, and more important to others. 

And then I recognized that I am important also. My voice and my truth matters. It no longer matters who hears or listens, because I now understand that my accountability is to my own peace of mind and truth. 

 

And so, with the assistance of my beautiful new deck of insight cards, my first pick is a message to SHINE MY LIGHT ON MYSELF. Interesting, but the message that I am hearing is that there may have been a level of expectation previously that created a blockage when it came to this practice. 

It can be so terrifying to take risks; but I know that when I am aligned and open to the Divine Wisdom; I can lovingly trust in  taking risks if I envelope the peace and serenity of Truth, Faith, and Wisdom. And what is another of my favourite messages... ah, yes.... Fear and Faith can never co-exist. Such a major lesson for me to reach this conclusion. Faith is ALL in... whole and complete. Here's the thing; doing things the way that they have always been done produces the same, often mediocre results. My intention for today is to begin the practice of opening my eyes and seeing this fully... to encompass it into my daily living <3 to Shine MY Light... this is the light that is connected to the Divine... so why would I want to deny this?Trust and have Faith. In ME...  this can and will lead to seeing a new, more tangable solution to whatever it is that I am seeking.  

The next message is a BIG gi-normous reminder to myself. Gratitude. This is so personal after a year of being so sick without even knowing it. But yet, I did know, I just failed in trusting what I was experiencing. This takes me back to the survival mode. When we are in this mode, we often block so much that is important, out. I felt that I had to. That is cognative dissonace due to past experiences; survival.  I was fortunate to have friends and students that allowed me to connect, centre, and to cleanse on a regular basis. But then, to be completely honest, for the past year, I had let this go...  with the excuse that I was ill. I no longer am, which takes me to the place of being GRATEFUL for my health!  Truly I am. Again, I had major support.  

I had to return to the place where I respected and trusted the natural rhythms of my own body... feeling, experiencing, never denying, always aware. Taking care of me BEFORE a problem manifests itself within. I have learned this past year to never take the blessing of good health for granted. So each day, this is added into my daily routine.

The final message is one to "Tell the Truth."  I have learned to hide so much, to reject what others may not want to hear, see, or feel. For me, this is so much about speaking my truth, on so many levels and in so many ways. Again, this rode on the heals of Faith and Trust in myself, who I was. 

I've always said that the first and most important person to love is oneself. Deceipt only serves to amplify confustion, stress, and allows us to keep pushing the blockages down, down, down... until they are quite compacted and solid. 

So, for today, my prayers begin within the experience of Gratitude <3 followed by the greatest ideal for my day and to BE honest and truthful.  Little by little, step by step, moment by moment, thought by thought, I realize that by speaking and living consciously, my truth brings forth the gift of uncomplicating all that I beleived to be complicated... experiences, relationships, situations.... and the reason was that I was not being completely honest with myself.  THAT is my greatest Ideal for today. 

Stop and Ask yourself what yours is. What is YOUR greatest ideal for today? and Why? Will this bring you a heart filled with joy? Will it bring you hope? How will this change your todays experiences? If you don't know those answers, then you most likely are not where you want to be. 

What makes you truly happy. What gives you hope. What brings you joy. With complete faith and confidence, know that self-love is at the core of all of this.. made brighter through hope, faith, and love <3 Knowing that only love is real. 

Have an amazing and wonderful day. Much love, always, Lori-Lynn

Cleaning House; Reflection and Truth

"The Secret to change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting the old... but on BUILDING the new."

This was today's Avent Calendar message from my amazing friend, Tess Peterson, whom, I was to be the teaching, but as all turns towards truth, we are all teachers and we are all students in this amazing and challenging world called life. I am sure that she did not consciously realize how much these messages would impact me, my space; my life.  I DO know that she knows this intutively. She is Brillant, Beautiful, and Wise, far beyond the expectations that we recognized when we first met for a reading. But then again, she would say that I did know it. It was such a natural progression and the kind of friendship that lasts throughout our lifetimes, on a soul level. 

My answer to this would be ME. The parts of me that have been lost, beginning as a young child. 

True to my word and teachings, we all experience situations and challenges in accordance to our Soul's agenda and the more we push against these lessons, the further we move away from our truth. 

Esssentially, what I lost was the truth of who I am deep within.

This always takes me back to the poem said to have been penned by Chalie Chaplin, "As I began to love myself."

Today, I chose cards to reflect what I had experienced in my session this week with my psychologist. Truth be told, my Spirit Guide is amazing and will always send to me what I need, definitley not what I always WANT to hear.  The messages are meant to challenge and induce change; the tranformation of energy. Hitting Rock Bottom was merely the first step in the process, followed with Cleaning House, and finally coming out, alive and well, from the Deep Freeze. 

The two cards from a deck that I received from my niece, Brittany, brought the messages of Reflection and Truth. All together, it sums up the work ahead of me today. I always put in the work, no matter how painful, because on the other side of the challenges and hard work IS my truth and happiness. Me, and all of the love that I know exists and is there, waiting, in limbo, for me to open up to and remember. 

REFLECTION: You attract what you reflect and what is necessary for your growth, as both a human, and on a soul level. I can see how I have been attracting what was necessary to anger and frustrate me into action. For me, Spirit knows that it will do the trick!  As I spend time in reflection, I begin to understand more and more that if I am unhappy with those around me; if I don't like my present situation... then I am accountable to point the finger, not at anyone else, but rather at myself.  That finger is so filled with accusations and anger, I can see clearly now that it is an accusitory finger and serves no perpose. The person that I need to see clearly, is inside my own self image. 

TRUTH: Honesty... what I have learned to understand were the five steps to truth.

1. Be completely honest with myself about myself.

2. Be completely honest with others about myself.

3. Be completely honest with myself about others.

4. Be completely honest with others about them. (we do teach people how to treat us and in doing so, we often wear a facade or mask).

5. and finally, Be completely honest 100% of the time. All the while being true to me.  For me, this comes in the form of kindness, compassion, love, and wholeness. 

Deceipt only amplifies confusion, not just within, but manifests chaoes all around us. I have said it time and time again, and believe it to my core, you cannot have an legitimate conversation with a deceitful person. We are only fooling ourselves into believing that it is truth. This requires an understanding of the need in which it serves.  

Deceit causes stress, illness, and unhappiness. It tears us up from within. Be honest. Be true. Uncomplicate your life by telling the truth. This is my next step forward.  I do not like complicated, yet life has become complicated and that resulted in me hitting a new low. Fortunately, I have worked through so many processes, that I was able to recover more quickly, as I don't hang onto much, which allows me to find and see the light. 

My session with my therapist this week took me to a place of discomfort; one in which translated to anger, self judgement, compromise, and dissonance. I hit a wall. As I look at the picture on the card, I see the the road to the bottom, has to hit the bottom to find the road to the top again. In my case, I cannot just leap over the road to the upside.

Rock Bottom:

As difficult as it may have been to disclose the circumstances, I had reached that point where I could go no further in the same manner in which I'd been going up to present; with eyes wide shut.  I realized after yesterday that I was experiencing a deep sense of loss and didn't know where to turn. It came forth as anger and betryal. But then I did know where to turn. Inward. 

I understand that the old way of doing things must be fully acknowledged as an experience and that it was the experiences that I am angry about. Again, if we are angry as a person, this puts the power on them to heal, when it is soley up to me. I also understand that it is time to forgive and fully discard, in order to move onward and upward. A new direction and a new strategy were definitley calling out my name... loudly. 

The truth is that the only way out is through surrender. To accept things as they are and were, from where they came from, to hit the truth at the bottom, and to challenge what I knew and thought of me in order to begin the climb back upwards. This is where Spirit is so generous and forgiving. I can wait for that heartfelt moment of release or I can choose to seek a higher understanding. That is when a stairway will appear, like magic, and all manner of synchronicities will show the way to higher ground.  Rock Bottom implies a sign that a miracle is about to occur, but only if I let go completely.  I am prepared to fully surrender. 

Cleaning House:

This certainly does seem like the natural progression of release and healing. The time is before me to de-clutter. For me, at this point, is really about cleaning my inner house, my sub-conscious and conscious mind; to get rid of what does not serve me, of unwanted memories that I cling to without even being aware, and to finally, once and for all, release what I no longer want or need along my journey.

Thoughts, memories, and emotional baggage must be swept out of my mind; my conscience must be clear for me to move freely in the world.  I am choosing to move forward to feel the freedom as I make way for much better things. Forgiveness of self and others can be done within and this is where I must begin with this process. 

The final card is that of Deep Freeze.  This is an ending of a cycle, as I further understand the why's of my present circumstances and experiences; of reclaiming my power and the truth of who I am and always have been.  This beacons me to slow down, to take time for me today. To understand and to realize that this IS about me and my souls jouney. It also recongnizes that Spirit has my back. Synchronicities.  That's how it begins. I trust fully in Spirit to bring me what I need, to fufil my needs, to bring me to my hopes, dreams and visions. Hope; I have found mine again. Visions for the future; I have, along with a good friend, Sig, found a new vision in which we are in the process of co-creating and manifesting. But manifestation does not come with blockages... it only comes when we are open to receive. It's now time for me to receive what I truly desire. I just had to remember who I was. 

So a few things will be put on hold as I continue down this path today. I will be there for me. I will regenerate and forgo ambitious activity, as I need my energy to move into healing. I have put my ideas, thoughts and visions to the Universe. I am required to trust and not push. I am required to allow my ideas to expand outward; to shift and to change... I don't have to be anywhere, but only to experience this present moment.  

Self-Care is my motivation for today; to step back and reflect; rest and dream. Creation happens most when we let go. 

In love, light, awarness, and forgiveness... I've got Golden Bones <3 LoriLynn BOOMBA <3  

Authentic Love ~ Guilt, Shame, & Blame, who responsible?

To all... another day that we have been given to connect with others, in ways in which we need to be more creative and open than ever before. I hope for you and incredible day, always reaching beyond the limits of your rational mind and stretching your imagination to the far ends of the Universe. 

And with that, I take a gigantic breath! It's been a crazy week for me. One that seems to be passing me by so quickly, and yet I am just not sure how much I have accomplished. So my answer will be, as much as I possibly can, while taking the time to commit to authentic self-love; being true to who I am within. This is where the guilt, shame, blame, and accountability, asks us to step back and reflect.   

Where did I leave off.... oh yes. Once I made the decision to leave my marriage, a whole new sense of me seeped out everywhere. As I look back, it was not always pretty; rather quite often was not a sight that I am proud of; but I am certain that the steps have all been necessary to bring me back to my authentic self.  This was the Self that I had lost. I did not even know who I was. Worse yet, I didn't even know that I had lost sight of my sense of self; my sense of being. 

In the beginning, I thought that I would just finally be happy, after so many years of survival. It just didn't happen in the way that I expected it. Responsibility and Accountability... it was all mine. It had to be, as I could not expect anyone to fix or change me... this is the most imperative part of the journey... and often the most difficult. Accepting responsibility for every aspect of my own life. It included looking back and seeing what, why, and even how, and then allowing myself a whole new perspective of events. Seeing through the lens of love, taking us on a journey of forgiveness of self. 

So.... Just how do we achieve Authentic Self-Love?

It begins by accepting myself for all that I am; the bravo moments, faults, insecurities, the ways in which I love, saw love, sought love, ask for love, respond, and react; right now, right here, in this moment. It really is amazing how self-acceptance can change ones world. The opposite is true also, when we have been beaten down to a place of fear, stagnation, and hopelessness. I was there. 

I found myself not being able to make a decision. I was stagnant in fear and I did not even know it. The moment that I began to see this, was the moment that I knew that only I could heal all of the wounds, trauma, and scars. I had to first not place blame. I continually looked back at my life and was able to see where the patterns began. And the moment that you can see this, is the moment that it became my responsibility to adjust, change, and transform the energy within myself.  To that where I once again believed in my own goodness; my strength, support, and power; and become my greatest fan. Without the support of myself, I began using anger, fear & frustration to hide who I was; who I thought others wanted me to be. I very quickly discovered that if I couldn't be seen or heard, then my voice would not have the power it deserves or yearns for. 

So today it’s time to understand this part of the journey and how I found my power of Self Acceptance; to find this power and harvest it. It is a huge commitment to do whatever it takes to rediscover my  power and my voice. And to never stop harvesting that power.

Love Yourself

To love oneself fully; for we are each and every one of us Unique and Special. No one else has ever walked your path, fought your battles, learned your lessons, experienced your laughs, tears, and fears or felt the inner depths from within your own heart the same way that you have. We can laugh together, cry together, learn together, teach, share and grow. We are where we are, unique and special, based on these experiences and perceptions of these experiences.

But I had to go back to that place where I re-discovered who it is I am. This is at the very core of our being. I began by sending myself new messages. Constantly and continually, and always aligned with who I know that I am within. This may be difficult, really difficult at first, and I did not always believe it to be true because of the past messages, but its to continue to do it, moment after moment, day after day, until one day I looked into the mirror and liked what I saw! I recognized that I really do love me! I liked me! Each time that I did this, it will become easier and I became stronger. Mostly because I knew that I was the only one responsible for me; for my happiness.  The key to this was to observe my responses and ensure that they were, in fact, related to the present experience and not past trauma or experiences. 

Guilt, Shame, Blame

I am not even sure that I knew how not to live without the guilt, shame, and blame of myself. I did know that I had to find a way.  All of these words represent judgment and ego and present blockages; some of which we have not been aware of for a long time.  To move forward, I had to move through this process to that of responsibility and acceptance. Typically this all begins at a very young age and as we grow older, we reinforce these beliefs. Interesting, this is when I truly began to understand fully my defense system. I observed and reflected and was able to see how if effected and shaped who I was. I was suppressing my own power. I found that I had to understand my motivation as I moved through the decision making process... to do so without the attachment of my past trauma or experiences. I had to learn how to defend myself without being defensive; to let go of a belief that was not true, but more importantly, limiting my personal power. 

Understanding all of this brought me back on a path of belief and trust. This is when I began to allow and trust in Spirit, the Universe, God; that my hopes, wishes, dreams, and visions would be co-created when I sat in the right flow of energy rather than resisting it; moving together with my higher power. 

Forgiveness

No matter what has happened in our past, no matter what crazy, silly, or even stupid things that we have done, each and every one of us deserves forgiveness.  Although I knew that I had worked through all of this before, I saw that it was on a different level. This was when I recognized a new insight and made the choice to finally be accountable and to let go.

For me, this was almost a refresher, but in a more powerful way. I have worked through this, but with the circumstances that presented over the past many years, and living in survival mode, I would have to take responsibility for my today and future. 

So once again, each morning, I stand before the mirror and look at myself. I really look to see what was before me. I do it with kindness and respect, while repeating the words,

“Good Morning Me! I deserve the VERY BEST of every opportunity that life offers me today! I love and accept me. Just the way I am. Right now and in every moment. I LOVE ME! I am loved! I am Perfect just the way I am and ever evolving to be more perfect each and every day! I am safe. Life Loves Me.”

There are some that are uncomfortable with the words ‘I am Perfect.’ Know that this is part of the illusion. Wherever we are along our journey, is exactly where we need to be at any given time. This, in this moment, is perfect for you, your circumstances, events and experiences. This is why the phrase is so important to your journey, acknowledging that you love and accept yourself exactly how you are, right now, in this moment. You are perfect and you are safe.

There is beauty all around us. There is beauty within us. There is love all around us. There is love within us. 

Choose to see the beauty and love. Choose to be accountable and make the changes that serve your highest good... always aligned with the Divine Spirit of Unconditional Love. 

Much love, light, healing and happiness, Lori-Lynn

Discovering Hope Again ~ It's Been a Long While

Golden Bones

Good Morning, sending to all love, light, healing, and much love in Godspeed. 

It's been a long journey since my last post. It was never my intention not to write again, but as I look back, I see that it was a necessary process. All that I have learned and discovered, bridges that have been torn down, some re-built, some re-discovered, and of course, rainbow bridges crossed... all necessary to come back to the love and what I value most in my life.

The greatest love is within our own self. If you cannot, choose not, or refuse to travel this journey, then you are not ready. And that is okay. When you are ready to learn, to grow, and discover, the path will open up to you. If the Soul is ready, when the will of growth opens its doors, bringing before you situations, and experiences that present themselves in a manner that is most conducive to our highest good... in this moment; or the growth of our Soul, on a different level, to carry on a journey of Self Love, Acceptance, and Surrender. 

Surrendering, not only to releasing expectations, but surrendering the pull of the ego... just releasing the hold, the ties that bind us in the past. Often we don't even realize that we are there. When I read for clients, there are 2 particular cards that represent this; the Devil (ego) and Temperance (balance). Perhaps in the middle stands the card of Judgement. Judgement, in this case would be the voice in our head that says, hey! wait a minute, stand here in your current perspective or choose to see fully from a new vantage point. I can say 'from a new perspective' as though it is an easy feat... but it's not. This path is made most difficult as so often we are unable to see the blockages that keep up tangled up in our ego. This is what I work through with clients... yet I did not realize that I needed to come back to me. But again, as I learned, I didn't know that I was lost. Practice and Patience, with the benefits of cognitive thinking and choice, at a very conscious level, asks us to take a step back, review and reflect. When we do so, we are not taking a step backwards, as in failure, but rather a step back from the ego, to see higher and aligned with our Souls Lessons and Intentions for our journey. 

This has been the why that I have traveled, you know, the one less traveled, and it takes a lot of strength and energy; on a mental level. 

If asked, I would probably say that I have learned and grown more than I even thought possible, yet my therapist might say that I chose to do the work that many fear. Therapy and growth is a hard work. It's also why I love to do what I do. As a counselor, I am able to find that Divine Wisdom as I connect with my Guides along with the pure energy and wisdom from the Divine, God, Spirit; which then allows me to open up to so much more, in an authentic way... always allowing me to see behind the mask, which in turn most often leads to a breakthrough in discovery. Then, the healing and challenges begin. Breathe... that was a mouthful! 

This is a manner in which I do walk the talk. We all have a story. We all have our own truth. Understanding it; the why's and the how's, is trans-formative. 

The second most important lesson was that forgiveness happens in the present and within our own self. I took some time out to study Ho'opopono, a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. It teaches the mantra, I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.  The truth of the matter in this 'therapy' is that you can heal any experience, situation, relationship, by sending this prayer out into the Universe. What is to be reflected upon and understood, is that the relationship that is being healed is between YOU and GOD. 

When we act out, or against, what our values, morals, or expectations that have been placed on a situation, that's the time to step back and ask for forgiveness. Of self. I always begin by stating the person in which I am or may be sharing the experience or challenge with, and then repeating the mantra over and over again with my hand over my heart, knowing that by surrendering to the love of Jesus, will transform the current energy to that of love. This comes from the knowing that only love is real, that love is the energy that drives us, and that EVERYTHING is energy. Energy cannot be 'cleared' or blown up to smithereens, it can only be transformed or changed. The surrendering, or allowance, is to heal and to love. This then opens us up fully and raises our vibration.   

Since my last post, so much has transpired within my life. My father passed away. This brings a smile to my face. Living without regrets. That was my greatest lesson that I learned from him.  My sisters and I took care of  him at our parents home. He told us often that he loved us and said that he tried to do the best that he could. For me, he did. I was blessed. 

After his passing and over the next several months, I spent time looking back over my current personal home life, as well as my professional aspirations. I began to see that I had been living in survival mode for so very long. I had no idea how exhausted that I had become. Or how sad that I was. Yet, I cried often enough, which makes not a lot of sense, but it's my truth. I began to see that I had lost so much of who I was and who I wanted to be. My main concern had been, for over five years, my husband. What I wanted was for him to be happy. When I came to realize that it was not ME who could make this happen, and that I was not responsible for his happiness, I took on an entirely new perspective. 

What I saw most from this, was that I was not living. But mostly, that I had lost hope. 

That sounds so surreal to me at this time, but that is what survival mode looks like. Chaos in motion, never stopping, always trying to makes things better, trying endlessly to make someone happy... until I stepped back, surrendered to the realization that it was out of my control. I see also that this was a blow to my ego, as I could help so many others, but I could not help my own husband. When it's our life, its sometimes more difficult to see the individual tree in the forest. With all that I had learned and grown through, when it came to this experience, I could not see outside of the ego.  Until I made a choice to accept my own growth.  

I have always said that it was my husband that pushed me into a deeper Spiritual Growth. For this I will be ever thankful. Perhaps, and a perspective that I can see now, is that in him doing this, it was his motivation to not look within himself or to heal. I realized that I needed to move on without him; a very difficult thing to do, as he was my best friend for so very long. 

There is another side to this. Because of his state of mind and his choosing to stay in that current state, I knew that I not only had to leave for me, but for him also. It was not only difficult, but necessary; and thus began a journey of renewed awareness, understanding, recognizing and stepping outside of the ego to finally 'get it.'

The separation is official now and that is where the true work begins. 

My hope is to bring some awareness, inspiration, wisdom, insight, and HOPE to others who may be struggling with this or something similar. Honestly, the process of self reflection can be used in any situation. I am ready. I have more challenges ahead, no doubt, but I have found the hope again and that is a major opportunity to open within myself.

I wish you all an amazing, Divinely guided and inspired day. Find the love within to choose YOU. Each and every day. Much love, truth, authenticity, and balance. Lori-Lynn