It's been a puzzlement to my being and a blow to my ego that people have questioned my motives and authenticity. The interesting thing is that after many, many years this has brought me back to my trueness; back to the love within. So with it, it has served a purpose.
In all honesty, I don't know how to be anyone other than myself. I certainly have tried. Having said that, I have discovered it to be a most difficult challenge. It does stem from the awareness of two potentially life altering factors in my life. The first I learned at a pretty young age; that I never wanted to excel in sport in the manner that my family did. It just did not interest me in the least. I did enjoy competing on a level that didn't break my inner most being, but exceling in a familial manner was just not a part of my make-up.
The second stems from my Gift. and had the greatest ability to deviate me from my soul's journey. This is my ability to respond to people around me in a kind, compassionate, and empathetic manner, all the while understanding parts of their being on a level that I have continued to learn and understand a a very deep level. This challenge has taken me on a journey of self-discovery that has indeed rocked my world. It's taken me to the lowest of lows and the highest of highs, all to bring me back to a truly authentic balance.
Along the way I have had old friends appear at just the exact moment that I most needed for them to appear, only to disappear again; except for within the DNA of my memory. With it they brought me to an understanding and awareness that was met with both a calmness and excitement; for I truly began to understand that, yes, this IS who I am. All of me. The True Nature of My Being.
Recently, as I was in the perels of my journey, questioning, once again, whether or not I was a 'fake,' I received a letter from a friend whom I lived next door to many, many years ago as a child. I couldn't have been more than 6 or 7. She reached out after many year of trying, to thank me for being such a positive and inspirational impact on her life. I was most surprised because of our age at the time; we were so young. This is not the first or only time in which people that I have met along the way have reached out to me to thank me, although it still felt strange; as though i was living in persons life. How could that possible be me that she is speaking about.
That was what got me thinking and challenging my intentions. I have always felt that this was just who I am at my core and I have never really deviated from that core. I almost did, but once again, there but for the grace of God go I.
Because my authenticity of being a kind person has been challenged or worse, seen as a flaw, I began to wonder if I was, in fact, being true to myself or doing so with a an unconsious thought process. This train of thought has all the way back to where I am on my current pathway.
I truly believe that this is who I am. My kindness comes from many areas of my world. I have been shown how to be kind, who to be kind to, when to be kind, and to be kind in the face of mean or pettiness. Why? Easy enough. Because meanness is everywhere and I know first hand what it feels like when people are mean. I cannot imagine choosing to make someone feel that way and being okay with it. For me, it eats away at my core.
To be really clear, this conversation within myself seems so childlike or childish, but for some reason, today, it is real. I suppose it's because some of the perceptions people have said in the past about me which have hurt significantly and I have had to understand the origins of this pain or trauma. Defending myself because I was kind may seem ridiculas to some, but I truly could never make sense of it. Perhaps the answer goes back to my story when I was in grade 3. My teacher was being mean to me (yelling and hit me with a ruler, so I started to cry) because I was late for class. This had never happened to me before and I wasn't aware of the protocol. I was 7 years old for goodness sake. As I started to cry, she sent me to the principals office. As I was walking in the hall, another teacher, who had always been kind, approached me and asked what was wrong. My response was, "Ms. Stadnyk was mean to me and I don't understand why. I have a soft heart and I really don't want to have a hard heart like hers."
That pretty much sums it up for me. I cried when people were mean. Somehow this equated to not being a valid or good response even though it's how I felt within.
This is what I woke up with this morning trying to understand my thoughts better. How to find the positive in any that I could. That. That has long since been my motivation. And with that I choose a few cards and Spirit is indeed good once again. "Savouring the Positive..." I allow myself the spaciousness of savouring the delicious gifts in my life. This truly says it all... the spaciousness. When we allow for anger, grief, or such, we box it in and there is little room for anything more, so my allowing a spaciousness of savouring, seeking the positive within any or every experience, it opens us up to so much more; the box fills with gifts. hm.
This is passion for me; to find and allow for a space of positive fulfillment. I have committed to putting my entire heart into the people and things that I believe in. I do believe in people, even when and although they have let me down; I very much believe in the goodness of people. I believe this passion to be a powerful source; an internal fuel that lights a flame within my heart. I recognize the strength of my passion for truth and kindness and with that, I am focused on my intent.
This, itself, does lend itself to a certain vulnerabilty; albiet vulnerabiltiy is my strength and NOT my weakness. This, is what I have had to learn, perhaps to grow into. I can now see how this vulnerability has opened me up to serve and not hinder. I use it with great awareness to attract and bring forth the goodness in all; that which is beneficial to my highest good. I purposefully lean into, rather than carry shame, my feelings as I honour my truth. When I communicate my feelings in a loving and generous way, I am able to speak more freely my truth; my dicernment. I no longer argue for my limitations. I see no need. There are more satisfying experiences to discover by releasing and sending back energies that clash with my inner most being of truth and kindness. I refuse to settle for what others intend for me and awaken that path wthin me which I am most passionate about. Kindness.
I know now that when I honour the fear within, it only serves to weaken my inner sense of self and doubt blinds me to any limitless possibility. I close my eyes, take deep and shallow breathes inward and remind myself that I am worthy of my own path and desires. My own. I remind myself that I am valid, even if I was led astray with feelings that the road ahead was unjust and not paved with kindness. It is if that is what I choose to focus and intend upon. That IS my road.
Moving forward in this space I remind myself that there is always a positive to savour and it's always the right time for joy and a sense of peace. This allows me to make more space for the fun and excitement that I so desire. This allows me to make more space for life to be more easy, gentle and kind; it's only harder when we forget what our Souls Mission and Set Intentions Are.
Kindness has an inequated emotional return for a minimal effort. Kindness is a language that the deaf can hear, the blind can see, and all can feel. Kindness can build bridges. It is important because it has a way of touching anothers heart as no other. It can lift oneself and another when in the depths of challenges. It only takes one thought, one moment, and one action.
In the end, only kindness matters.” Jewel
