I discovered the correct word

The other day when I was pondering about my life, I chose the wrong wording.. or perhaps just meant different wording once I thought long and hard about it. The words the best fit where I am 'mentally' are that I don't want to be HERE any more; meaning in this space. I am just tired of struggling for nothing... or so it seemed. Let's get one thing off the table, there are so many areas that I am so completely blessed in. It's really one of the biggest areas of my life that I have struggled with since I can rememeber that just does not seem to be manifesting.... or perhaps its just taking it heavy slow time. With that, in the meantime, I am working towards lightening this load.

I am tired all over again, in a very different manner and I have prayed that I discover the means to the meaning of my life. I know that when I was so sick with my gall bladder and other internal organs, that the only reason that I was not hospitalized was because of COVID. Would that have made a difference and would this all have lasted as long as it did. COVID pretty must prevented so many from obtaining that care that was necessary for many during their recovery and healing. What I also know is that, for me, the isolation was deafening and deadly. This goes back to living at the cottage, much in isolation from my friends and family; unable or unwillling to truly see or acknowledge what I was experiencing. Yet for me, if I could just keep smiling, being positive, all would be fine. Alas, that is not the manner in which it worked and I will never be the same human being again, as there is no turning back from destiny. I allowed people to see the positive, and the beauty. There WAS so much beauty that surrounded me. I made a point of looking for it. My family and good friends supported and encouraged me through the rough, tough periods; those ones where I just could not stop vomiting; deep breaths and rest to heal. About this time, I began seeing a new physiotherapist; one who workds specifically and intelligently on the gut and intestine areas. I learned so much about the wisdom of the journey. I allowed days of solitude and inner awareness to field me. Funny thing about my therapist, as I look back, I wonder about how much I really know and ponder what I do not know. My physiotherapist encouraged me to explore the depths of my journey. He helped me reach down and touch those areas where my heart has sunk. It was definitely time to move out on, in wholeness and in love; as it is that place that fills the heart wiwth kindness and compassion. The Compassionate Inquiry; within oneself for out ultimate highest being; leading us outside the ego mind. To do so, is to surrender.

With this being said, that is what I was talking about. I don't want to be "here." Right here, at this time, in this place, without any true immediate support. It's a lonely space to be. So I asked God that night (Sunday) to send me a message or a sign or anything that could/would assist me in getting back to the place where the life was a WONDERLAND. It had always been that place for me. The dreamer, the lover, and me. When I awoke yesterday morning, I was happy to be doing to visit a good friend who had offered me a facial. First and foremost, it was an amazing way to love my best life. We talked and talked and cleansed and beautified and then I was ready to head home, feeling as though God had sent to me an angel. We are all angels for one another, if we choose.

Just prior to going to visit her, I was scrolling through facebook, when my eye caught a sanctuary retreat from one of the fellows that I had followed just prior to and during the COVID days. He seemed to have disappeared until the moment that I really needed help. Instantly, I booked the retreat and then I booked the flights. As my mother would say, you don't turn your back on a gift horse. This was one that I knew instantly is exactly why I had been awaiting my agreeement funds. This is what they are for. I grabbed hold of the reigns and I am set now for two holidays.

Emotional healing is the gateway to breaking free from patterns of pain and fear, allowing you to experience life more fully and connect deeply with others. By addressing past wounds, you build resilience, self-acceptance, and emotional balance—essential elements of mental well-being.

Emotional growth complements this process, fostering healthier relationships, effective communication, and personal empowerment. It deepens self-awareness and encourages thoughtful responses that align with your true values. Together, healing and growth pave the way for greater joy, stronger connections, and authentic living. So that is where I am today. NO cards to pull, just mindfulness and an openness to discover why and how.

Let GO

Ive had a couple of pretty tough days. Partially brought on by weather that is horrendous. A blizzard during the 'warm' day that kept most people indoors, followed, as usual, by bitter cold days. It's often to force oneself outside.

The other major factor, and I believe that I will keep writing on here, so to keep my thoughts and understandings at bay. Two factors. The first being that I just don't want to read anymore. Im done. Perhaps I am the 'real deal' and such, but it's been such an up and down journey that it's worn thin on me. I love what I do. I have always wished that I would be able to just read for people and counsel. That has always been my goal. It came with a farm house and land to have a retreat. This is just not panning out. It began to when I got married, yet I chose to believe in the stories that my ex was relaying to me. I chose. There is no one else to blame. It is a huge factor in my world. I can still picture it in my mind, so clear and real. but then it's not. The second thing, which goes hand in hand, is that I truly don't have anything to live for. I don't mean to sound flippant about it, but I am honest. I understand and know that this sounds suicidal, but it's not. I still live for the moments, which are rarer and leaner inbetween. What it's meant for me, is to discover a new meaning to the life that I am living. How did everything go so very wrong and turned upside down. I know some of the answers, but I don't know them all. I am going to write and write until I figure out where I belong. and how. What is my purpose? Where do I fit in? Where is life leading me?

For the past many years, and especially this past year, decision making has been what has caught me up. I was working at a position that I loved and felt that I was doing a really good job. Were some things lacking, of course, but do to circumstance. I am still at a loss with this and has completely put a hold on my confidence with my ability. I am hopeful that my trip to British Columbia (Langley and the Island) will instill a sense of being for myself. worthiness and deserving. And its not that I am depressed, because I am not. I am extremely mindful of all that surrounds me and all that comes my way. My life just does not have any meaning and this has always been my 'thing.' All of what I truly wanted, I did not achieve. I've come to terms with this and understand my role. Some days its difficult to understand what is real and what is not. Perhaps nothing is truly real. I am not questioning all that I know, understand, have experienced, and learned. What I am challenged with is what to do with all of this, I'm not sure. Yet, i will tell you one thing... I am open to listening and learning more. I have no idea what I need. I live with someone who dislikes me intensely. That's difficult for me as I have no idea how to respond or act. ACT. I know that I have broken so many promises lately, which has been shown to me as a message of surrender. So with this, I will try. Try to surrender to the beauty and the love. I always thought that there was only love. Im not sure if I believe it anymore or not. I still believe that love or anything is a sliding scale; a balance of fear and security of the love within. I believed and felt that I had learned a new strength of faith; yet not before experiencing its raw truth. I am not sure what that is or where that leads me. I just know that I am here to stay. The journey has been so long and trying. Trying what?

To understand the meaning and the gift of life. A life, at this point, I feel as though has been wasted.