Let GO

Ive had a couple of pretty tough days. Partially brought on by weather that is horrendous. A blizzard during the 'warm' day that kept most people indoors, followed, as usual, by bitter cold days. It's often to force oneself outside.

The other major factor, and I believe that I will keep writing on here, so to keep my thoughts and understandings at bay. Two factors. The first being that I just don't want to read anymore. Im done. Perhaps I am the 'real deal' and such, but it's been such an up and down journey that it's worn thin on me. I love what I do. I have always wished that I would be able to just read for people and counsel. That has always been my goal. It came with a farm house and land to have a retreat. This is just not panning out. It began to when I got married, yet I chose to believe in the stories that my ex was relaying to me. I chose. There is no one else to blame. It is a huge factor in my world. I can still picture it in my mind, so clear and real. but then it's not. The second thing, which goes hand in hand, is that I truly don't have anything to live for. I don't mean to sound flippant about it, but I am honest. I understand and know that this sounds suicidal, but it's not. I still live for the moments, which are rarer and leaner inbetween. What it's meant for me, is to discover a new meaning to the life that I am living. How did everything go so very wrong and turned upside down. I know some of the answers, but I don't know them all. I am going to write and write until I figure out where I belong. and how. What is my purpose? Where do I fit in? Where is life leading me?

For the past many years, and especially this past year, decision making has been what has caught me up. I was working at a position that I loved and felt that I was doing a really good job. Were some things lacking, of course, but do to circumstance. I am still at a loss with this and has completely put a hold on my confidence with my ability. I am hopeful that my trip to British Columbia (Langley and the Island) will instill a sense of being for myself. worthiness and deserving. And its not that I am depressed, because I am not. I am extremely mindful of all that surrounds me and all that comes my way. My life just does not have any meaning and this has always been my 'thing.' All of what I truly wanted, I did not achieve. I've come to terms with this and understand my role. Some days its difficult to understand what is real and what is not. Perhaps nothing is truly real. I am not questioning all that I know, understand, have experienced, and learned. What I am challenged with is what to do with all of this, I'm not sure. Yet, i will tell you one thing... I am open to listening and learning more. I have no idea what I need. I live with someone who dislikes me intensely. That's difficult for me as I have no idea how to respond or act. ACT. I know that I have broken so many promises lately, which has been shown to me as a message of surrender. So with this, I will try. Try to surrender to the beauty and the love. I always thought that there was only love. Im not sure if I believe it anymore or not. I still believe that love or anything is a sliding scale; a balance of fear and security of the love within. I believed and felt that I had learned a new strength of faith; yet not before experiencing its raw truth. I am not sure what that is or where that leads me. I just know that I am here to stay. The journey has been so long and trying. Trying what?

To understand the meaning and the gift of life. A life, at this point, I feel as though has been wasted.