There are moments when, I... am sad. Maybe angry. I'm not entirely sure anymore, sometimes it feels the same.
At whom? About what? you might ask. The truth is and I see it now so clearly, the world; a world that seems so unforgiving. A world that has tied me up and holds me hostage to my own inner being. As I struggle to understand, to see; as I struggle to make sense of it all in an unjust world. What am I sad about? Who am I angry with? It does seem like many, because merely one is too many. But then I ask myself what is at the core of the sadness? Judgment. Simple. And I am so tired of being sad. I am so tired of being judged. Yet here I sit feeling so very alone. Why? because the next step is to trust again. And that just doesn't feel very safe or seem easy.
This sadness, which is wanting to be unleashed rages within me like a fire-breathing dragon or the poisonous venom of a snake, uncontrolled and unstoppable.
The biggest powdery for me at this time is 'do I deserve another chance?' followed up with, 'how do I begin?' The past cannot be changed, only repeated; over and over and over again, until finally we choose to walk in a whole new direction; shedding the skin that was, leaving behind was was, and moving forward committed to my goals, visions, hopes and dreams.
I have done my very best to justify my thoughts, actions, reactions, and decisions, each and every one, and finally see a small bit of light that leads its way back to me. I am responsible; only I am at fault. Only I can change the sadness. What I do know is that when I have felt wronged or judged, manipulated or bullied, I retreat, back down, deep inside myself.
The questions that I ask myself are this; does this make me a 'bad' person? I am truly this bad person portrayed? Why am I not allowed to feel or acknowledge these feelings? and How does one turn back the hands of time?
I do know who I feel most sadness about? The first, actually, are 2 people that one would think, hope, believe that I could trust. One is deceased. both, as I see it, are cowards. Cowards because this could have all been different, it could have been discussed, acknowledged, and the healing process could have begun at that time. They chose, instead to hide behind their words, choices, and actions. As much as this made me angry when it all began, I was surprised that I was not angry this time around. It has been a long time seeing the writing on the wall. What made me angry is the manner in which they twist and manipulate situations, all to create a confusion and almost a distrust in oneself. As I moved past this, I moved towards... the sadness. What made me sad is that they would actually made that decision to do this to another person.
But that is just where they are in their journey. Perhaps it was a part of my journey. I do know that it must be. the lesson. the gift. the experience.
The other individual that I am most sad about, and it's funny, because it's less about the person than it was about the experience. I will, quite often, choose to help someone to find their way to living the life that they want to move towards, and with this person, I did. I did so without asking for anything in return, although she often offered, of which I happily accepted. I am very grateful to her for what she did offer, in any way that she knew how. But then a few 'things' happened. There was even an incident that quite frightened me. I still do not know how it happened, but it did. As I see it now, it was the Universe telling me that I needed to move from this 'friendship.' I honestly don't feel that I did anything that was hurtful or horrible to her, but perhaps to her, it was different. I do know that at the time, I was going through a whole lot, just as she was. There was little acknowledgement on her side as to any of what I was experiencing.
In the end, what bothers me most, is how she has run me down, with little regard for where she is now and how far she has come. She sees none of this. And that makes me sad. I just couldn't keep going the way that is was. I knew it. But it has changed that way that I am. It was draining me of so much of what was inside me.
As I gave thought to her, I recall her best friend saying to her, "just wait until she (me) finds out what you are really like and who you really are!" I had no idea what that meant at the time, and to be honest, I still don't. She isn't a 'bad' person, in any way shape or form, but I do feel that she was so often lead by ego. Interesting thing on that, over a year ago, I read her cards, and I did, in fact read this. I so tried each time that we got together to see through and past this, but it can't always be done when it begins to drain me. And I allow for it. And yet, maybe now, she has on her own learned also. And THIS would be wonderful. A celebration that she allowed herself to heal. That, would make me happy. Still, I am saddened that she chose to talk, to tell stories, her side of course, when I, not once, did the same.
But that is just where she is in their journey. Perhaps, also, it was a part of my journey. I do know that it must be. the lesson. the gift. the experience.
I don't completely know how to be.. and that will be the biggest challenge. Weighing my sadness, my understanding & forgiveness.
I do know that my self love is opens just an endless supply of love, and, is, unconditional. It is only unconditional as I learn deeply, that we all make mistakes. All of us. I do know that when someone lashes out, it's because they cannot fully love themselves, even if they truly believe that they do. What 'they' say... is more about them than me. I see this, I know this, I live this... mostly always. I have learned to let them say what they want, to whom they want, always sending the energy back to them, with love and healing♡
Learning to completely forgive myself, for all that came before today, opens another door. To the greatest♡ and deepest♡ love. That is the love of the Divine, the Creator, God.
So today, I seek forgiveness. I forgive myself first♡ in doing so, I can in turn forgive them, perhaps slowly. I
So today, I seek forgiveness. I forgive myself first♡ in doing so, I can in turn forgive them, perhaps slowly. I
Here's the thing. Easter is about forgiveness♡ and family♡ it's about finding that place where only love exists. Knowing that the first place to forgive is within oneself♡ So for me, in this Easter season, this, is, this is the place where peace & remembrance is found♡ I will watch as the sun sets, and as it does so, the water will shimmer and mirrors its incredible and calming colours ♡ grateful for all that surrounds me, all who truly love me♡ and every single person who holds a special place deep within my heart... and there are many♡ No more sadness. No more anger.
