I've been told that I am too intense. From that place, I learned that it was very bad to be intense. I was also told that being happy means that my life is perfect. You are too nice. You get too angry. Don't be sad. You are passionate. You are too smart. You can't act like that. Do you know who they are! Wear this. You can't wear that. You say weird things. You are too smart. You are stupid. You are fat. You need to do this. Or that. All of this brings forth a confusion.
Puppets.
The truth is that sometimes I made people uncomfortable. Up until this moment in time, I have learned to scan the room for the reactions of others and to retreat when it happens; when I saw it. I began to look around for the reactions of those around me or in the room, wondering what they would think, see, or how they felt about my words or actions, and I would back away, quietly into the background, unseen and not heard, into my head. Mostly, though, I learned to not trust myself and what I knew. I see now that I became conflicted and confused.
I have learned to be very Mindful, when mindfulness wasn't a 'cool' action, because the feelings of not being supported for who I was, were really lonely. Being alone meant that we are not popular, cool, or supported, so it was definitely not a good place to be. We all want to belong; to be a part of; to not miss out.
I look back and I see that this is learned at a very young age when we are sent to our rooms, to be alone when we have misbehaved. This then becomes the inner retreat of our shame; the ego; the loneliness inside the head that allows for a feeling of isolation and bitterness to creep in. I believe that the intention is correct and there, but that message was not conveyed as it should have. Always when I came back to the surface, I had learned nothing at all, except to how to shut down and retreat when I acted or responded outside of the norm.
I am all of those things. I am none of those things... and there is a difference in 'feeling alone' and 'Being Alone'.
My happiness and realization came forth strong today. That I AM that strong and that I am okay, and I understand that the need for approval of family, friends, colleagues, even strangers, is a human conditioning. I have never been a sheep, I know this, always knew it.. but I recognize that to not be the sheep can sometimes feel lonely... and so with this the cycle continued. To seek the Balance is to discover the Happy~Ness.
Strength in Self; a sense of self and purpose. A sense that I am now ready to become who I was meant to be; who I am at my core. To take responsibility for accepting what was not mine; in this writing, another's un~comfortableness. To be mindful in what I speak and for my actions; but to not hold back because I might have stirred some feelings in someone else. That is for them to pursue and discover; their own aloneness.
To be alone is not the absence of another, but rather in the presence of oneself. Being alone and taking pleasure in the silence, the growth, the feelings, the recognizance, and the beauty. 'To glow from the light that emanates within. To 'Be a light unto myself.'
Ultimately, each of us must develop within ourselves the capacity to make our way through the darkness and back up into the light.
There was once a time when I used to dream big. I will spend my time today asking myself what happened to all those dreams. To encourage them back to me, to open each box and to dream again. Happiness. Life happens, yes, and that is a part of the journey. To see this; to experience it through the Aloneness; the Stillness. To catch the glimpses of the part of me, still there, who didn’t give up on those dreams.
It's never too late. & who is it that is telling me that it is too late. Only I can accept that. It's never to late to create; to transmute dreams into a reality. Time to experience. To tap into the power of my true self, my subconscious mind and unlock the unlimited potential within. Happiness. ahhh... that's where it is...
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